Journal Entry: July 29, 2016
Nothing You Plan, Will Go As Planned
Week 28, third trimester.
This morning I sat in the darkened room with cold gel slathered on my belly as Maria, my 3D/4D ultrasound technician at Pancita’s, let out a little sigh and said she couldn’t get a good read on the baby’s facial details because she is breach. She patted my arm in comfort and said that sometimes babies are in this position and that I could come back in a week for a second try for the sonogram. Sweetly and swiftly, she ushered me into the next room for a prenatal massage and said this would be good for me to relax and help the baby.
Suddenly, I felt confused and lost. “Breech” was NOT a part of my pregnancy plan. Over the next hour, I tried to relax and sort out my feelings. I realized that how I really felt was that I’ve failed at my pregnancy and the thought of giving birth to a butt-first baby pretty much freaks me out.
- Because I must have done something wrong for the baby to not be in her correct position already.
- Any thought of pelvic pain pretty much terrifies me these days. No thanks! I’ve had enough of that sensation for a lifetime.
- Giving birth to a breech baby increases the risk of my pelvis bones being broken again, and I don’t want to have to be in a wheelchair for three months while taking care of a newborn. Heck, someone would have to help take care of me and the baby after she is born. Nope, I want to be independent without feeling like I’m experiencing a déjà vu moment from last October (see “It’s Only a Speed Bump in My Journey”).
- A cesarean doesn’t sound delightful in the fact that, like breaking my pelvis again, I’d have a long recovery time and be physically reliant on someone else for a while.
- THIS IS NOT A PART OF MY PLAN.
Heck, nothing over the last year has been a part of my plan. Two years ago, my plan was to move to Miami, get my commercial editorial photography business booming in the market here, dive into teaching and hosting for Polaroid University, get married, have a fantastic honeymoon, fill my life with adventure, have kids, and live happily ever after. I did everything in my power to make all of those things happen, and those things were indeed on the fast track to coming to fruition.
But it’s in those moments in life, the moments where we feel like we are finally in control of our destiny through hard work, dedication, and planning, that God smiles down at us in amusement and gently says “but that isn’t the plan I have in store for you. That is not your destiny.”
When I realized by bad habit of trying to be in control was rearing it’s head onto my pregnancy and baby this morning, I let out a huge sigh of resignation and just breathed. Breathing was the only thing I could control in that moment, big breath through the nose, big sigh out of the mouth. All of a sudden the massage therapist’s hands could reach in and release the knots that have been plaguing my back and neck for months. Keep breathing. Just breath. In. Out. Release. In. Out. Release. In. Out. Release.
By the time I got home, I was in a much clearer, healthier headspace and started addressing the little mental list or worry from the morning and began with #1: that I must have done something wrong for the baby to not be in her correct position already. Hmmmm, am I shoving my overachiever tendencies onto her already? Well, that’s pretty crappy of me and I should chill out and stop it because there is still lots of time for her to flip around in there and she will do it when she’s good and ready. Yes, this isn’t my style of doing things, and she obviously has her own way of doing things. And that is that.
Thinking positively towards the future, once she does turn over the next couple of weeks, the rest of the silly list will be scratched off so I don’t even have to think about them at all right now.
As for now, I have figured out a “win” to be proactive in her life: I can do a few exercises every day to encourage her to turn so that she enters this world head-on!
p.s. I must to give a huge positive shout out to the amazing women at Pancita’s Ultrasound 2D/3D/4D & Pregnancy Spa in South Miami! I’ve gone there a few time during this pregnancy and am always welcomed with kindness and have an amazing experience. If you are pregnant, or know a mommy-to-be, I personally highly recommend them and cannot thank them enough!