Journal Entry: October 19th, 2015
It’s Only a Speed Bump in My Journey – Part I
So the last two years has been lesson after lesson of leaning back into my faith, having trust, and being patient. I knew that moving from Seattle to Miami was going to be a challenge, but I seriously had no idea the depth and length of the challenge that was awaiting for me.
First up, was just the fact of reinventing my business in a new market. I thought, no problem, I did it in Chicago and I can do it here again. Boy was I wrong. My first obstacle course was that I moved straight into the suburbs of Miami. Without a car. Did you know that you really need a vehicle when trying to network, create friends, and find work in a new city? I didn’t. I found myself very alone and relying on my partner to provide not only for me financially, but also as my sole provider of attention and value of myself on a daily basis. He worked a lot to provide; I mean, he was gone 12-16 hours a day, easy. Sometimes his work took him out of town for weeks at a time too, and during that time, I had no transportation and was stuck in the suburbs without any resources.
Without really realizing it, I fell into a very deep depression and became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. I stopped smiling, and laughing; no longer did I open up and share with friends the joys of life because I felt I didn’t have any friends nor did I have anything joyous to share. My conversations were negative and were constantly fueled with negativity for my partner, that he was never home, that he never paid any attention to me. I started drinking a lot at home alone. What I didn’t realize then was that as this was happening, I was slowly pushing him away to where he actually didn’t want to be at home or around me anymore. He started avoiding coming home and talking to me altogether. This, in turn, led me to even more self-doubt and low self-worth, and slowly created a very large chasm in our relationship and ourselves.
However, when things happen, they happen for a reason.
When we postponed our wedding, we were celebrating our three-year anniversary with a nice dinner out in Coconut Grove on October 16, 2015. It was such a lovely evening. The weather had just turned from the blazing humid and hot season that Miami is known for, perfect warm evenings spent outdoors. The air was so nice. Our conversation, for the first time in months, was connected. We agreed that we each had a lot of work to do on ourselves and on the relationship, but we were both wanting to put in our all to make it through this challenging season in life together. With mutual relief, we decided that the pressure of the wedding was too much, and that our energy should go into becoming whole individuals and strong partners again. It was a moment of bliss.
When dinner was over, we walked back to my car, an old 1998 Mustang GT Convertible work-in-progress I had just picked up a couple months previous. It was my first set of wheels for the first time in nearly two years and oh! the freedom I had found in myself again had been spectacular! As we walked up to the car, he went to open the door for me. Only the door wasn’t the door to my car. It was someone else’s car. But it was black, and it had the bouquet of flowers he gave me on the dashboard locked inside. He opened the door and said, “get in, this is
my your new car.”
It was like a moment on a gameshow when a random person gets selected from the audience and they hand the person to the keys to a new vehicle and they stand there in shock for the entire time until they finally cut to commercial. Yup, that was me on the side of the road just staring at it saying, “what did you do?” Translation: how the hell did you afford to buy this we can barely make rent every month? I stood there speechless for a good 10-15 minutes.
OK. Be gracious. He’s excited so accept this moment together and be happy with him, and save the financial conversation for another day.
Together, we took the top off of the 2007 Corvette and I climbed into the driver’s seat. Oh my, did it feel good and scary all at the same time. No key, just a button. I started it and she roared to life with incredible power waiting to be unleashed. Six gears, not five. I drove us down to South Beach and cruised Ocean Boulevard. Tacky, but cool at the same time. You’ve gotta’ do it just once in your life. It was bumper-to-bumper stop-and-go for a couple miles on the strip. Just take your foot off the clutch and she crawled forward at the perfect speed. It was so nice to drive a real sports car and I decided that I would get used to it very quick.
At one point we stopped and I asked him to take a photo of me with
the bowling ball with his name on it “my” car. At least I have that for posterity, right?