Journal Entry: September 15, 2016
I’m Not Sorry
Photo Date: 34 Weeks
Today I am 35 weeks and 3 days into my pregnancy. Exhaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllle.
So I’m totally behind in taking photos. And writing. The further along I get, the less energy I have, and the more my weekly photo gets pushed to the very last day possible to document the week I’m in. Case in point, this entry. It’s September 15th and I haven’t written since August 31st, plus I’m 35+ weeks along in gestation but the photos I’m sharing are my week #34 photos. Oh well. It is what it is at this point and I’m not going to beat myself up about it.
However, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to write. Usually when I’m in bed at 2:00am and I can’t sleep and too tired to jot my thoughts down before I lose the brilliant idea. But, like with all things in pregnancy, my mind fails me and the thoughts are gone by morning, forever lost. I’ve come to terms accepting the fact that it probably wasn’t that brilliant of an idea to begin with. But I know it was. I just have to be gentle on myself about it anyway. Even if there were at least 10 great articles lost to #pregnancybrain in the last week (it’s a real thing so don’t even go there).
One thing I did want to share – and remembered! – was how I’m feeling now. Mostly because everyone keeps asking me so I figure I can let everyone know in one fell swoop.
I honestly feel like I’m in someone else’s body, a dream state most of the time. Between my old self and new self, a place of surrealism. It’s super, super, super weird. I know who I am to my core more than ever. I have not an ounce of regret for the past, quite the contrary, I’m at complete peace with my past. As for the future, I am facing it and welcome it without fear. For the moment, I am in the present state which is a time and place of in-between.
With that, I am done reading and researching. I am saturated and cannot read nor retain any more information. I do not want to hear or listen to one more birth story, even those friends who love to retell me their personal story a dozen times and share their birth photo albums every time I see them. I cannot live in your past moments as I am now preparing for my own birth story. No more “worst case scenario” stories to prepare me please. Spare yourself from being shunned by my incapacitation of being able to take on any more personal feelings and stories of others. It’s not you, it’s me. Really! Please understand that this is my time now, not yours.
These last four weeks are my time, and mine alone to experience, not yours to intrude upon. This may sound selfish, and it may be a little, but I’m not sorry. I’m doing what I need to do as I sit quietly looking straight at my future ready to accept what it has for me, head on. The journey and steps are all mine.