Journal Entry: August 31, 2016
Set Yourself Free
I’ve never been one to easily forgive. Granted, hashing through my issues with girlfriends over a lot of wine and time usually gets me to a neutral space of indifference for my past wrongdoers, but since finding out I was pregnant I kind of feel like I’m on the “fast track” to tidy up my life and heart. This is mostly because I’m seeing the fragility of life so clearly and also because I don’t want my past habits and baggage rearing its’ unsightly little head up into the fresh new life about to be born into this world.
My mind needs to be clean, my heart needs to be open, and my soul needs to be light. I’m doing this for myself; I want to set myself free to the love and blessings that await for me.
This last February was a difficult time in my life, to say the least. I turned 40, was dumped by my fiancé, was out of a wheelchair and fresh on my feet, found out I was pregnant, and had no source of income with all the bills from the accident and monthly household overhead on my plate. I felt rejected, abandoned, betrayed, lost, scared, alone, and unworthy of love.
Ouch. Reading that makes me want to cry for the woman I was in that moment.
So as soon as I found out I was pregnant, every day, all day, and every night, all night, I prayed one prayer over and over and over to where it became my mantra repeating in mind before every thought, and after completing every motion. “God, please give me Your grace. Soften my heart and help me forgive him for hurting me. Release these bitter and resentful feelings from my heart. Replace them with peace in my heart so that I may only feel love and joy for this moment in my life. Overwhelming love and joy for my little girl as she enters this world. A love so strong that only You can provide.”
At first, even thinking those words made me sick to my stomach and caused intense pressure in my temples and forehead. Saying the words out loud was so physically painful that I would sob until I couldn’t breath and would throw up. My heart ached so badly. I ached for the loss of my mate. I cried for the loss of a father for my little girl. I mourned the dream I had always had of being a loving, family unit when I had children.
And I kept forcing myself to pray the words. In my mind and outloud. Every day, all day. Every night, all night.
For months, I prayed and prayed until one day I found that the words rolled off my tongue easily. I continued to pray them until I felt the words ring true in my heart. I diligently pushed forward praying the words until they sang sweetly and easily in my heart with joy.
Time heals. Sometimes we can speed up the time it takes to heal by making forgiveness of others and ourselves the focus our intentions with every breath we take. Seven months ago I would not believe it was possible. But today, dear friends, I can attest that it is possible. My heart is proof.
Today I have a new prayer, a new mantra. “God, thank you for giving me forgiveness. Thank you for providing for me when I didn’t know how I was going to make it. Thank you for blessing me with a child at 40. Thank you for giving me the time alone to heal and become whole. Thank you for giving me a good man who takes care of me selflessly, and who is already one of the best fathers I know.
I sing these words sweetly in my soul today as I countdown the days to our child being born into a loving, family unit.