Journal Entry: April 15, 2016

Can’t I just get a break?


Have you ever had one of those moments where you just threw up your hands and said: “Can’t I just get a break for a moment in life?”

Yah, I’m having one of those moments that so far has lasted six months.

I mean, it’s BIG stuff, not little drama moments, that is truly testing my trust in God but is ultimately making my spiritual, mental, and physical self grow stronger. And it’s also making me break down in quiet 60-second sobs often. There is no room in life to pity myself or situation any more than that.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. Chronologically seems too predictable and insulting to you, my dear reader, however the journey and current moment of struggle needs some context so how about I just lay it all out for you in a short version, then we can talk about each challenging obstacle individually. Sound good?

Very well then.

Six months ago today, I was the passenger in a terrible car accident that put me in the hospital for two weeks and a wheelchair for three months. Two weeks after I had been walking unassisted again, my fiancé left me (two weeks before our original wedding date) and four days after that I found out I was pregnant. I had lost all of my contract jobs because of the accident and found myself having to scramble to get back up on my own two feet again, literally. Over the next two months I applied for, and hustled for jobs. I was hired at a prestigious college out of New York to teach a photography class at their Miami location, only yesterday – two weeks before classes were to start – they contact me to let me know the spring class was canceled and we might be able to work together in the fall.

I have no job, no income, and today I got a call from my credit card insurance company that they have to recall their last two months payments as I was approved to go back to work, and although I lost my contract jobs they do not cover self employment scenarios. So they are calling back $250 in payments from the bank, and I have -$10 in checking. I feel utterly scared.

Can’t i just get a break?